Waiting For Freedom

Last Sunday was another heart attack Sunday. I was chilling out with my partner when my brother called.

The home informed him that dad was bleeding and that dad wanted to be sent to the hospital. My brother asked me to call the person in charge and then make a decision.

At the end of 2023, my brother made me the decision maker. Fair enough, me being big sister and all. Besides, he had single handedly shouldered the burden of managing dad's (and mum's) medical emergencies in 2023, with me playing a small role in helping out. It is now my turn.

So I got in touch with the home (and obtained photos) and informed them that I would come by to assess the situation. After jumping up to rush my household chores and settling our grocery run, my partner and I made our way to the home.

Dad had stopped bleeding by then (after taking medication) and was calm. By that time (before leaving for the home) I had already placed instructions with the administrator on conditions to look out for before sending dad to the hospital.

After chatting with dad and assuring him that arrangements have been put in place, my partner and I left.

So far, no news is good news.

Dad told me (and I am paraphrasing here) "I have to go. I am deteriorating. It is a pain for me and a pain for all of you."

Dad has been bedridden for more than a year now. It is sad. Imagine what life is like confined to the bed with a colostomy and urostomy bag attached to your abdomen and having to wear diapers due to an internal leak that the doctors could not repair.

The massive bleeding that dad suffered in 2023 was miraculously contained by a surgical procedure. I remembered my brother calling me that evening to make a decision - to proceed or not? It was a decision that I was not prepared for. 

Live or die?

Of course I chose for dad to live (as did my brother), so I said to go ahead and give it a shot. Either he survives or he dies on the operating table (or post surgery).

At least we gave dad the fighting chance to live as he had strongly indicated that he was willing to take the risk. Had he on his own volition said no, let me go, then it would have been a different situation.

There were opinions that we should have let him go. But my conscience is clear. How could I have said no to the intervention and allowed my father to die when he was clearly not ready to go?

But the situation is different now. We have all come to an agreement that when the next emergency hits, there will be no extraordinary measures to be taken to prolong life. Dad himself has come to accept (from my conversation with him) that it is time to rest.

No man is immortal.

I believe his departure is impending due to the bleeding. This could be a repeat of what happened in 2023 or the source of bleeding could be at another site. Something is giving way which can longer be repaired.

I have accepted that we have to let dad go. I will be sad of course, who wouldn't be? But I will take comfort that it will be a liberation. For dad and for our family.

Well, enough of my dark topic. I had to write this to unburden my heart.

Let's talk about food. Tuesday was Thaipusam holiday. I was at home and I got organized to take care of whatever that needed to be done at home (before the time bomb explodes).

Lunch was minced beef and eggs.

I simply pan fried some bacon, minced beef and onions.

Seasoned with garlic salt.

Then I fried 4 duck eggs. Oh yes, it was delicious!

There were leftovers, so I used the minced beef to make like a pizza with pepperoni, sliced Jalapenos and cheese. Also very tasty.

The day before (Monday) I broke a 24 hour fast with a big bowl of kimchi jigae. Again, so delicious, hee..hee...

It is about time that fireworks and firecrackers are totally banned! Firecrackers in particular as they are a bloody nuisance while fireworks being limited for use by companies that are licensed to conduct pyrotechnics.

By the way, fireworks and firecrackers are not the same, though the terminology is used interchangeably.

Sharing some words of wisdom.